Jan 30 | 2023 — IX of Wands
Today’s card, the IX of Wands, comes at the end of a weekend of big discussions with some friends and my husband about life and “adulting.” As we get older (and our parents get older), it can be really jarring to see the roles shift where the kids become the caretakers while the parents begin to exhibit more child-like behaviors. Sometimes this process can be a real challenge as relationships are redefined.
Enter the IX of Wands. Traditionally, this card brings a defensive energy. It’s about having fought a long battle, being battle-weary and fatigued, but not being ready to give up yet. It represents that “light at the end of the tunnel” moment, where you can see the finish line, but you still have some hurdles to overcome before you can claim victory.
Of course, I’m not here to talk about this card in terms of battles and resilience. We’re looking internally at how this card can be applied to ourselves to make us better people who can withstand the bullshit of everyday life (because I think we could all use a boost in that department).
Message of the Day: As we look at the relationships we manage every day, family, friends, coworkers, strangers, we have interactions that range from annoying to congenial to radiantly warm. We are asked to do so many damn things that a lot of us have to keep lists just to stay on top of it all. It can really suck being in demand. But sometimes we agree to take on things because we have a sense of obligation or expectation, and we’re afraid of the judgment or even the scary unknowns that may come if we politely say “no, I’m not going to do that.”
I think that so many of us are in the routine of “going with the flow” that we begrudgingly agree to do things just to keep the peace. We, as humans, are largely horrible at establishing boundaries and enforcing them. We cave just to be nice or because there is a sense of guilt if we don’t. However, being strong and standing your ground, let’s people know what you will and won’t accept.
Recently, we had a very challenging evening with our son, and as a consequence for his behaviors, I took away his ability to play Fortnite for the remainder of the month. He was wildly upset. He missed out on playing with friends and new skins and weapons and has repeatedly asked (almost daily) if he can have it back. We went for a drive and I discussed with him in detail the reasons why he had them taken away, and I explained that — out of principle — I was sticking to the duration of the consequence because if I caved in, he would then always second guess my discipline. I had to set the boundary and expectation. He didn’t like it, but he understood.
A friend of mine has a difficult relationship with their mother. As their mother has aged and now an empty-nester (and living alone), they have turned to really dramatic emotional warfare to try to win attention. I suggested that they need to set and communicate boundaries or else it’s just going to get worse. They made the point that any declaration of boundaries would just be met with “you don’t love me; I’ll just die here alone.”
Those kinds of situations are hard but they are also immensely unhealthy. When you look at the big picture, these boundaries are meant to make your life easier, remove the stress, and help you establish more positive relationships. Then, deciding to do something becomes a choice and not a guilt-fueled obligation. Once the boundaries are established, communicated, and kept, the relationship will either improve with a newfound respect and appreciation (not to mention positive interactions), or it will wither because their manipulations are being refused.
Some relationships don’t require boundaries, but others definitely do. Situations like dating or trying to manage a work-life balance may need to have clearly stated boundaries of what is and is not acceptable. Inconvenience is one thing, taking advantage is another. Don’t be afraid to tell someone to “back the fuck off” if they push the boundary.
So while we reflect on the IX of Wands, we need to remember that the point of boundaries is to maintain our own emotional and physical well-being. So what relationships do you have that could use some boundaries? What types of boundaries do you think you need to set and why? How will that affect the relationship? Does it change your view of the relationship if you think their reaction to these boundaries will be negative?
